Grief in the age of the corona: “Losing someone is always difficult, but we can do it” – Radar

They come every day at 11:00, the death toll. And each of these figures is like a pebble thrown into a pond, leading to concentric waves of mourning. Grief is always painful and complex, and now perhaps only a little more. But we can do that, says the author and psychiatrist Uus Knops, who will give a webinar on this topic on April 22.

Everyone understands that it’s hard to lose someone you couldn’t say goodbye to. Everyone can imagine that it is difficult to say goodbye in a small circle and far apart. But Uus Knops could do a little better. Her brother Casper disappeared in December 2005 during a trip to Venezuela. He was found in April 2006, and it wasn’t until June 2007 that they were able to bury him. She knows what is afraid to wait, hope and despair, and she must finally say goodbye without ever being able to say goodbye.” I was so focused on Corona that it took me a while to realize that there were parallels with the loss of Casper,” Knops says. She is a psychiatrist, and last year in her book “Casper – a Mourning Book” she described the search for her brother and the search that every grieving process is. Since her book, she has shared her knowledge and given comfort and hope for lectures throughout Flanders.” Each of us mourns in our own way, but people always have many questions, they want to know if what they experience and feel is normal. Grief is unique, but it also contains universal elements. Grief has no ready-made solution, it’s not a fixed course you go through. Therefore, good grief counselling is often a matter of reassurance and information. Yes, it is normal that you have all kinds of confusing feelings, or that your body is tired, or that years later still inflate feelings of intense sadness. When people know that what they are going through is not strange or extraordinary, they feel empowered.” And yes, that’s the case even in these extraordinary times, knops says. “One thing I know for sure is that we can do that. If you lose a loved one today, you are doing so in circumstances other than usual, that is right. But even before this epidemic, there were people who suddenly lost a loved one without being able to say goodbye, for example, by chance. Even then, there were people who could not attend a funeral because of the circumstances, or who could not seek support during the mourning and had to do so without hugs from family and friends. Because, for example, they live abroad. Of course, our situation today is difficult and complicated, the discomfort is the fact that there are now many people who are confronted with it, and that in some situations things can be done differently. Knowing that your loved one is somewhere in a hospital but is not allowed to participate is something other than that he has already died and you are presented with fait accomplis. Take what we have been through as a family. We lost Casper, and we couldn’t bury him until a year and a half later without seeing his body. Not a good start to the mourning process, but we have knitted a nice sequel for us, have come through and are all working well now. The lockdown makes the loss of a loved one more painful, but it only makes us back to the essence. I also see opportunities.” Knops thinks this is an important message. “I want not only to give hope to grieving people, but also to take responsibility for political decision-makers. It is up to them to translate the Corona measures in their hospital or nursing home with sufficient attention to the human aspect of the farewell. Let’s not make it unnecessarily complex.” Not being able to say goodbye together is difficult, but in wijrouwenmee.be, experts are giving ideas on how to do this from a safe distance. Knops is one of them. Sharing memories and telling stories with a cup of coffee or a glass through something like praatbox.be or zoom is obvious. You can also agree that everyone burns a candle at the same time, knowing that everyone is thinking of a loved one at the same time is comforting. Go to a place that had a special meaning for your loved one, or where he or she just liked to come, take a photo and share it online. Social media can really be of its benefit in this way, and are also a great place to share photos, anecdotes, music and memories. And of course you can plan a warm moment of remembrance for after the Corona crisis. Offering comfort is not a given anyway. Everyone recognizes the feeling of not knowing what to say and then choosing not to say anything. That doesn’t need anything, Knops explains. “What people need most is compassion. Know that you think of them and understand what they feel. Empathy, then. Nobody wants to hear clichés or philosophical statements, because nothing you say can take away the pain. But that is not necessary either. We often want people to have strength, but that can make people feel stronger than they are, and that is not necessary. Grief hurts, time. The best thing you can do is listen to what they want to tell and find empathy. It’s not always easy, because when you’re sensitive to someone, you often want to help, and because you can’t really do that, you feel powerless. But know that your compassion helps. And later, you can offer help, share your own experiences, or provide information. This can be very concrete. Cooking, help with administration, an invitation to a walk. What you avoid is the traditional “you know where to find me when there’s something I can do.” “That’s how the initiative is put on the mourner, and he’s got enough in his head. So take the initiative yourself.” If you find it hard to do this remotely by phone or video, then a letter is an excellent alternative, white knops. “Words offer comfort. Tell us what you have appreciated about the deceased, how he or she touched you, how he or she influenced your life. And don’t forget the stragglers, you can also let them know what you value.” More about the absence and mourning during the lockdown? On April 22, Uus Knops will give a lecture online, with the possibility to ask questions afterwards. The webinar starts at 8:30 p.m. You can register via https://borgerhoff-lamberigts.be/boeken/live-webinar-psychiater-uus-knops.