What if the fire of love between you and your partner seems to have completely extinguished? You play with the idea of ending your relationship, but officially divorce after years of living together is easier said than done. Three witnesses tell us how hard it is to tie the knot.
According to the Belgian statistics agency Statbel, the number of divorces in our country has been stable for at least three years: in 2018, 23,135 people officially ended their relationship. The fact that these people don’t all go ice overnight makes sense. It’s often a good thing: a relationship offers certainties that you don’t want to give up. But what are the factors that influence the decision-making process?
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According to the Belgian statistics agency Statbel, the number of divorces in our country has been stable for at least three years: in 2018, 23,135 people officially ended their relationship. The fact that these people don’t all go ice overnight makes sense. It’s often a good thing: a relationship offers certainties that you don’t want to give up. But what are the factors that influence the decision-making process? As a family mediator, Lieselot Steenbeke ensures that the often painful separation process proceeds as well as possible and that both sides learn to understand each other. “The neutral role of a therapist or mediator is important,” it sounds. “We make sure couples learn to listen to each other again, and we help them articulate the message correctly.” People don’t decide to divorce overnight: the process of doubt can sometimes take years. That’s because divorce is automatically associated with loss: at two, you’re financially stronger than alone, so if you decide to break up, you’ll have to give up a bit of income and maybe lose your living comfort. Or you don’t see the children as often as you used to: that, too, is loss. Or what about the in-laws with whom you have built such a good relationship over the years? The idea that their guaranteed stability is suddenly disappearing is frightening for many people. Moreover, most people cannot be well alone and therefore choose to stay together.” The idea that their guaranteed stability is suddenly disappearing is frightening to many people. So it’s perfectly normal to have mixed feelings: I know a couple who were together for nearly twenty years and six months before they separated, one of them wanted to get married. This proves how bad these doubts can go in sups and depths. However, from my experience as a mediator, I can see that there is always a person who is faster. When they think about divorce, the process often accelerates. Normally, a very big fight is the drop that overflows the bucket. So keep talking to each other and don’t part with your partner.” Relationship therapist Jef Slootmaeckers emphasizes an important nuance: “Most people who express a desire to divorce their partner do not really want to leave, but want to wake up their partner. It is the last ultimate attempt to make it clear to the other that something is profoundly wrong in the relationship, a kind of alarm bell in the hope of getting a reaction. They want their partner to confirm that there is still love. In practice, however, this leads to a situation in which the other person is closed, because the way this message is conveyed often feels threatening. The underlying reason does not penetrate, but rejection does. Often the partner then closes emotionally in order to avoid the conflict and not to feel the pain. This creates dramas. To help couples in this situation, I have to dig deep: I ask if there is still hope on both sides to continue the relationship. When I find that the will is still there, I research what they really mean and put their words in context. By creating a safe environment in which both sides feel supported and restrained, I hope to give them new insights.” Liesbeth: “It’s hard for me to say exactly where things went wrong. Johan and I are more speakers than speakers, but during the crisis I noticed that the lack of communication in our relationship has put a huge strain on me. Suddenly we are much more dependent on each other and that is difficult because Johan turns off emotionally in front of me. We haven’t talked about our feelings for years, I’m never told I look good and he rarely takes the initiative to do a joint activity. Sometimes I wonder if he still likes me. I have often thought, is this? Is that all a relationship has to offer?” Johan never learned how important it is to talk. When something goes wrong, there is no room to pronounce it. The situation is simply overturning. This cannot be a healthy climate. I miss affection and confirmation from my partner and because he doesn’t give it to me, I also feel irritated more quickly.’I have often thought: Is this all a relationship to offer?’ We played tennis together for years, but in the last months before the crisis it became clear that we had different expectations. I really enjoyed being together in the open air, he focused on the perfect game. That has got us into a fight, and that has driven us even further apart. The situation makes me despondent. One minute I’m done, the next I don’t want to leave him. After all, we’ve shared so much and dissolving feels like giving up.” Karina: “Soon after the birth of our first child, we grew further and further apart. I think he was jealous of the baby, who suddenly got more attention than he did. Today there is nothing that still unites us and we live side by side. That’s why I want a divorce, but Wouter refuses. When I tried to end the relationship a few years ago, he terrified me and threatened to take the children away from me because I didn’t have the right nationality at the time. That intimidated me and so I just kept swirling. When I finally took the step three years ago and left my family behind, I lost everything: I lived on a campsite for two years and lived exclusively from the food bank. After a while I was moved to a house, but I couldn’t make ends meet. This forced me to return to my husband with my feet hanging. Through this traumatizing experience, I realize once again that I don’t have a social network willing to take care of me, which I think is essential when deciding on a divorce. When I moved from the campsite to a house, I noticed that others were being helped by friends and family. I was all alone, and that would be no different now. Even though I want to leave, I’m afraid to get stuck again.” When I tried to end the relationship, he threatened to take the children away from me.” I am also financially subject to Wouter. Recently I have returned to continuous work. I don’t earn much and I couldn’t live alone, but it gives me the necessary distractions. I’m not practical with the computer, so Wouter has to help me and has easy access to my private documents. That’s how he keeps control. He is convinced that women can’t do anything, and that’s how he treats me. Living with someone who thinks like this is difficult, to say the least. This is not life, it is surviving. I eat, drink and sleep because otherwise I take my own life just as well, but I don’t. I’d rather have a bad life than no life. When I tell my story to someone and meet that person, he becomes someone who is very different. So he suddenly becomes a very big talker and then you get reactions like: What did he learn and eloquent! While Wouter is at home, in front of me, someone is completely different. Of course, no one believes that. When I see a happy couple walking down the street, I can’t resist thinking, why not? And most importantly, where did it go wrong?’ “The idea that I would hurt my loved ones was the hardest thing for me. I didn’t want to hurt anyone, but at the same time I wanted a divorce because otherwise I would be unhappy. And what is the value of it? Yvo and I were married for 15 years and especially in the last few years I felt that our relationship was no longer giving me what I needed. I pushed this idea so much that it became inevitable. With two teenagers in the house who need them less and less, you will be confronted again. The gap between Yvo and me was widening. I worked on personal development and only absorbed it when our worlds were different day and night. I had my business, he had to be. I am convinced that people are evolving and that you always have to feel it together. For me, this goes beyond going to the cinema together, I need a connection on a deeper level.” The idea that I would hurt my loved ones was the hardest thing for me.” When the doubt was still haunting my head after six months, I decided to confront Yvo with it. He was very controlled by my message, but the next day he broke. Because he still wanted to save our relationship, we visited a therapist for a while, each with our own expectations: He, hoping to tie the pieces, I wanted to understand,he could have come to this. Even though we didn’t come out together, these chats have strengthened my decision.” “It wasn’t until a year later that I ventured into the notary. An official separation is necessary to close the situation. We are still living together, and we will probably stay that way. Yvo has invested a lot in our house and that’s why I give it to him. We’re going to renovate a little bit. so that, over time, we all have our own unity. In this way, our children keep their safe place and Yvo can grow old there as he wishes.” Separate coexistence requires, above all, clear agreements: when do we eat together and when do we not, who gets which rooms? Although there are difficult moments, I am relieved that I have taken the step. Everyone knows where they stand, and that is important to be able to continue with our lives. One piece with and one piece without each other.